Two Years Later

I noticed that after writing my letter to Lily and revisiting some of my former blog posts that I’ve typically written entries after someone I loved passed away. So many of my entries focus on the person and his or her legacy and ways to cope with that loved one who has left this earth. Of course two years later, I would write about my beloved dog who passed away a few weeks ago.

Through all the sadness, is also happiness. I haven’t written anything in 2 years because the truth is, I fell in love. I know, cheesy right? But truly, those two years of my absence were because I found my happiness in someone even though I wasn’t expecting it. So may of these past blog entries have been written by me in my single, trying to be no strings attached, heartbroken mindset but with time comes change and I found someone that I am entirely crazy about.

Scott and I met not too long after I wrote that entry about my first trip to Europe. Oh, since then I have visited Europe 2 other times. One of those times was with him. Anyway, we met doing a show called Letters To Eve which was about the incarceration of Japanese Americans during World War 2. It didn’t take long for me to realize that that following my heart led to something that was just good for me. You see, I wasn’t in the best place leading up to that. To reiterate, the entries I wrote were a reaction to some of the unfortunate and heartbreaking events that my family and I had undergone with family deaths but also, some events that left me in a broken and traumatic state with relationships and my career. I figured that writing about it would help other people who related to me. However, I didn’t realize that through my writing, I was actually helping myself. And even though I feel some guilt in not having kept up with this project of mine, I feel more at peace knowing that I had undergone a significant experience in my life that led me to finding love.

So, enough of that. Scott, this week we are celebrating 2 years of being together. There is so much to celebrate. You are living out a goal of yours which was to do a show with Center Theater Group AND you have a Netflix show coming out next year. Not only that, you still make time for the people you love and hustle for the next job. The amount of admiration I have for you is an endless list that will take forever to write in a single blog post. Of course, I have to mention your insane talent and your ability to give your entire heart and soul to any role you portray on stage and on screen. You have a rare gift of making people feel something and you are able to do that because of your courage and your dedication to telling stories. You inspire me to care for my art in that way as well. While on the subject of gifts, you also have a rare gift of caring so selflessly for people and understanding those around you. You don’t just go about your life disregarding people’s stories. You genuinely care for them and that heart of yours is so contagious and inspirational. I wish more people saw the world and cared for the world the way you do.

As someone who has taken ownership of her own independence and fire, you have helped break my walls down. But you were able to do that without compromising the woman that I am. Instead, you were there to just love me for everything that I am.

Remember a while ago when I opened up to you about an event that left me broken in pieces and ashamed of who I was and you told me that you wanted to make me so happy to the point where I would forget about it? I haven’t looked back because you loving me truly has made those scars heal. And I didn’t know that it was possible to find a love like that until I met you. Happy 2 year anniversary, stud. Thank you for choosing me. I lava you.

-Doc/TAH/Chicken Nugget/Andrea

Dear Lily

Dear Lily,

This will be my 4th week without you. I still expect to see you when I walk through the door of my parents’ house. I’m still cautious whenever I open it because I still expect to see you on the opposite side of the door waiting for one of us to come home. Today I went to the garage to do my laundry and I saw the shampoo mom bought for you the week we had to say goodbye. It made me relive the moment I saw mom come home with a bag of necessities for you not expecting that we won’t see you again after that week.

I can make this letter all about how much I miss you and miss seeing you when I wake up and come home. I can make this letter all about how depressed I still am that you are not here anymore. I can make this letter about the impact you have made on my parents’ and my lives, but I don’t really want to do that because my heart still wishes that you were here. Instead I wanted to write this letter to let you know how we are doing here on Earth and how we are doing.

Mom and dad are still working. Mom is working on a merger at work and thankfully, her boss is back. Unfortunately, his eye sight is still not 100% and he still wakes up every morning hoping that his eye will be back to where it was. Apparently, when you have a broken blood vessel in your eye, it doesn’t gradually get better. You just wake up one day and it is back to normal. Abigail is still working at the gym. She’s been working a lot and auditioning as well. She and Matt are doing great. He’s spending Thanksgiving with us! As for me, I just celebrated my 4 year anniversary with Gymboree and this week, I am celebrating 2 years with Scott, whom you loved. He misses you too and he’s been amazing in helping me cope with you not being here. I’ve been auditioning a lot and not booking anything, but you’ve been there with me throughout all the ups and downs of my chosen career path. It’s the first time I’ve ever had to go through this slump without you. On the upside, I’m going on al all-expense paid trip to New York to do a showcase for the Mannequin show I did this summer so that’s exciting! By the way, remember the mannequin dog I won at our cast party? We actually put her in our family room and she is fashionably displaying your collar and your striped sweater. You were obviously way cuter but it’s a nice reminder of how wonderful it was to have you around.

That’s about everything that’s been happening here on earth with your family. We are getting ready for our first holiday season without you and we are all trying our best. We really do miss you, but like I said with Bryce’s eyes, I am kind of banking on that being a parallel to what we are going through. I’ve been waking up every morning hoping that this sadness will gradually go away, but I will remember something and start crying. One day, I know that I will wake up and there will be no more sadness and no more wondering when this sadness will go away. Instead, we will remember the happiness you gave us and that you were meant to be in our lives for that amount of allotted time. In those 15 years, you have helped shape me into the woman I am. You made me kind and you made me compassionate. You made me empathetic to those around me and you made me happy. And some souls are not meant to stay in your lives for the duration of your own life especially when their hearts are giving up on them.

So, I wanted to end this letter to you by saying thank you. Thank you for being there for me when I wasn’t at my best and in a slump. I’m trying my hardest to hang in there without you but because I knew you and was loved by you, I know I will prevail. Thank you, Lily. I loved you and will love you forever. Happy Thanksgiving.

Love,

Andrea